it all started with me visiting my dads when i was very small about 6 when i was molested by his wifes son. so my step brother we will call him his name is Jesse. she has another son named Danny . i always looked up to danny the most we were only 1 year apart . he knew my life story aswell as i thought i knew his. jesse is about 5 years older so i never paid much attention to that other then my teenage years when he had hott friends ha ha . but hey thats the typical little sister job. to hit on brothers friends haha .anyways. i visited once in ontario where bill had this gorgeous wood/log house on the lake and it was just beautiful i loved it i thougth the world of it. i thougth this is it . little did i know the house came with a molesting step brother uncaring parents and a behind closed doors rule of secrets. as the parents "bonnie and bill " drank there days and nights away with friends things like jesse forcing me on danny for oral was what was happening in old aboandoned vehicles outside the home.it happend the one time and i decided that we were all young and maybe that was "normal" i soon after realized that jesse had some problems i never said anything to anyone about it because he was my "brother" i didnt want to see him get in trouble. to young to realize how bad his act really was. i soon went back to my mothers and my father and bonnie and jess and dan soon moved to langley british columbia only about 40 minutes from where i lived in north vancouver. i was so happy i visited every weekend and well it only took about 10-15 weekends before jesse was back at it again. i was about 10 at the time when he bribed me to give him oral. he told me i could have ANYTHING. and oh man how i wanted his iguanna lizzy so bad. now granted of course i was in the wrong aswell but when he at 16 explained to me that our parents were not legally married that just make us "friends" after the big breakdown about how we werent related he had me convinced to have his iguanna and anything else i ever wanted. so me not knowing anything but the opposite of sex and turn ons i went to the freezer grabbed a few ice cubes and ran them on the shaft of his penis he grabbed the ice threw them across the room and said kiss it .so i bunched up my pointer middle and ring finger close together and pressed them on his penis to pretend as if it were my lips. im sure he knew the difference because he told me to come up on the bed and he would make it easier.by pretending we were just going to hug first...but as i climbed up on that bed to start this act of disgust i knew how wrong it was and i told him i couldnt do it i got down and went to the living room and of course i now understand the logic of blue balls ....he was FURIOUS . he began throwing things and yelling at me and calling me a slut a whore and so many degrating names i thought what did I do WRONG ? after the yelling and trashing the house stopped he went to bed .and as did i curled up on the couch crying myself to sleep wishing my parents were home so i could tell them or so that it never would of happen. but of course bonnie and bill were stuck in the "better" side of there life somewhere running the streets.as i lay on the couch wondering what i had done wrong for him to be so mad at me i finally drifted to sleep and only to later wake up to jesse slowly removing my blankets and slipping his hand down my pants. i jumped up and told him to stop . i cried again and again . and thank god for some reason he did not go any farther then that . he just called me a fridget tease and returned to his room . i layed awake all night and when the parents got home i still didnt have the guts to tell anyone. so i returned home to my mothers once again to keep quiet. everything was fine for the next few weekends then i stayed there again and both step brothers were having a camp out in the garage with some of there friends. i wanted to hang out so bad for i was just so bored and lonely and i was told i was only allowed if i looked threw the  "dirty" magz with them . . the feeling i got in that garage was so filled with anxiety and fear and just a stomach turning feeling i could not stay in there for the "fun" of dirty magazines .i didnt like them so i left and decided the couch was better . so there i layed again wondering why i couldnt just fit in or why i had these weird feelings. and again that sunday i returned to my mothers.and shortly after bill moved again. this time to hope a place only about an hour from my mothers...but still things on the mother side werent any better either. it was still the same constant disapearing acts the same cocaine induced binges and having me help her package little paper envelopes so she could hide her cocaine from dave. and i helped her with that for some time. wich i still to this day regret but did it hoping that i could win over the love and loyalty i always wanted from my mother.some time after that david and my mother were just way to hard to deal with the pain in daves eyes every time she would finally come home from a 3 day binge after taking every dollar or item worth anything and giving it all for cocaine. and once again to bills i went . for some reason i thought things had changed when they moved to hope . i visited a few times and all was well so i thought it was going great . so i moved there i lasted a school year ( barely actually attending) i was usually at a friends house doing crystal meth and smoking marijuana . why not my parents did it.. my parents seemed happy and alive when they were high . so i did it to . and the only feelings i got were numbness. it turned my brain and heart off of the things going on in my home life and let me be "me" with my friends and have fun . so i partied and dropped out of school and could do anything i wanted because bill and bonnie were to busy doing it too so of course they never even knew or cared to know what i was doing or where i was .as long as i was still alive so he could have another day to write off of his child support he was happy!!days turned to weeks and weeks to a year and that is when i was finaly told i had to go . i was out of control teachers and parents didnt want me around police were starting to know who i was so the parents didnt want the heat on them so of course they did what they knew best and that was send me away .. throw their hands up and clear a path back to my mothers..when i returned to my mothers things were good for a long time.. i mean she still did cocaine and drank her face off but hey atleast she said my name once a day or even aknoledged that i was there.. so i  started hanging out with old friends and of course in the back ground bill moved AGAIN this time to alberta ..so i hung with old friends in north van. and partied still didnt go to school and it was then that i had a change of heart for catherine o'donnell it was a hate. an anger a pain i couldnt handle or know how to deal with . it quickly turned into rage and we constantly faught . the physical damages were minimul to none but the emotional was devestating for anyone to watch . the things we said to eachother were awful i hated her i wanted her dead. she at that time was dead to me . and again wow i sure did go back and forth .... i was back at bills this time in alberta. and again same drugs same partying same shitty life. i tried harder to have a bond with him but by this point he was to far gone. he was up to the same old schemes my mother was .. off on binges . cheating on bonnie leaving all of us on the acerage with no telephone or food and no way to town . so i would walk 2 hours to town just to get away from the awfull voice of bonnie screaming and telling me how much of a loser bill was and how hes garbage and on and on. i mean the man WAS still my father so i didnt want to hear it . i would leave and return when it had settled down. all went well for a while untill one day i was upset about my life just thinking everything about it and danny said come play some video games so i did and i blocked out what i had been so upset about and was about to tell danny about my mother and about jesse and about everything that bugged me that day. but it was just then that jesse walked in the room. he sat behind me on the bed and a chill ran up my spine when he slitherd his way to have one leg on each side behind me .(like doubling up to go  on a slide style) i got that same feeling of anxiety and fear and disgust that i did years ago in the garage of the langley house. he soon after started rubbing my back so i got up and left. i went to a friends to stay there for a couple weeks i then returned to my mothers. i was only there a few days before i moved back to a friend of mines in alberta. that is when i met a guy named mike. i shortly after began renting my own place in grand prairie alberta and he moved in with me i thought my life was finally going to turn around well again i was way off. it started as my dreams coming true of finding love and a chance to have a family of my own and after 3 years quickly changed to another chapter to my book of nighmares.mike and i fought all the time .. his friends always at the house drinking and doing there stupid things that they did . i enjoyed the lifestyle for a bit and then wanted more for my life . we got evicted and we ended up moving 4 hours away to his fathers house in high level .. there is where i worked in a bar. it started great and ended with me selling drugs threw the back door and mike and i splitting up . i lived in hotels and continued selling drugs for a few more months and found my self with someone else that i thought was a great guy. and again found him cheating and lieing and using me only for a place to stay .it wasnt long untill i had a party and was ripped off of my product. ( at the time i didnt do the drugs) i took that promise when i moved grande prairie that i would no longer do drugs and i didnt . after i was ripped off by someone i thought was a friend i was in trouble so i left high level.i returned to grande prairie to be kicked out of more houses and end up living in a womens shelter. so alone and confused and angry i just hated life and wanted it all to be better but knowing i had no parents to help me or support me . i mean sure i had dave but with him came the hell of my mother. mike and i began talking again after about a month of me living in this shelter and to my surprise he had quit drugs and drinkin and ect and now lived in saskatoon and wanted me to move out there with him. as im sure you can guess off i was once again . by this time i lived out of a small suitcase full of my only clothes and possesions . i arrived in saskatoon 2 days later and loved it everything was going great his grandparents and family was so nice . they were great to me excepted me as i was and mike an i were getting allong so well . there were some issues we had to bicker about but as a promise to some certain people i cannot mention those. so life went on good for about 6 months and mike and i began fighting again. he was always hanging out with friends never wanted to spend time alone and in the end always had this little hoochey hanging off him.so that was the end of us. i told his family i was leaving and that was that i went down to ask his uncle at the time about  25 i was 17..for a ride to the airport he said he was leaving for edmonton alberta that night . and asked why i was leaving i explained it all to him and knowing there was a small spark between us for some time he asked me not to go .. i said i had to there was no way i could live in that house as HIS girlfriend now. so we agreed that i would meet him in edmonton wich i did and after 8 hours of waiting at the bus terminal he finally showed up . we stayed at a hotel for the night and the plan was to go to vancouver back to my mothers in the morning wich in the end didnt happen because of rental problems with the car.. or atleast that was the excuse i was fed. so i returned to vancouver alone. back to my mothers. and 4 days later back to saskatoon to mike once again . again it only took a few weeks before we were back to the break ups again and i was off to live at a friends house..where i continued to hang out late at night and starting smoking crack cocaine. i had only done it a handfull of times during a two week period and during one of them times i had been chased an attaked a women was mad that i had left mike and that i was smoking crack with her daughter so she chased me with scissors trying to attack me i got away i ran to a gas station and jumped into someones van i made it back ok to my friends house and had no where to run no one to call i knew my mother wouldnt have the money to get me out and i knew i would be back again even if she did so i called the last person on my list....BILL .. and back to my fathers i was.. with him then and still currently living in a condemed trailor outside of edmonton . i stayed there for less then a week i found a job intown about 20 minutes away at a restaurant that was attatched to a motel.. i rented a room from the owner an worked there.. i hated it there every minute of it but at 17 n 18 birthday just a month away i knew it was time for me to straighten up. so i did i worked 6 days a week and went back to my room everynight after work then in the morning i would go to rest. for breakfast and back to my room i did this for a couple weeks untill my path crossed with this stupid guy and for some reason i fell for his lies and crap .. we had a VERY quick fling untill one day at work i set my eyes on this guy .. didnt know his name or anything about him.. just knew he cooked and did dishes. and was here from bc on probation .rumor had it he was a murderer.... a drug dealer an more.... something about him i just couldnt let go .. his tuff bod.. his evil glare. i dunno what it was but man oh man was i hooked. we had to write down our drinks and he always wrote RB so i still never knew his name .. after a few days we began the small talk and before long i noticed him coming in everynight i worked for a hamburger with no pickles ah ha ha .. he asked me out for dinner a few times but i had gone threw so much shit with guys latley i just couldnt bare takin a chance for pain again so i said no over and over untill one day a friend wanted drugs ha ha and i said well ill try RB ( he invited me for beer in his room that same day so the cowincedence was great ha ha ) so i went up for this beer and he asked if i had a smoke . which i did downstairs in my room where i had a small party going on so he came down and joined the party to soon crawl up on my bed and pretend to sleep ha ha . the other people left and well one thing led to another and he spent the night. in the morning we had the owner pounding on the door saying he was late for work ha ha . so he went to work at 10am and was off at 3 i started at 2 i got there we never said much and he left when his shift was over . and i was so attracted to him i was falling hard and fast for this RB . soon finding out his name was robert blanchard ha ha. during my shift i told my self i had to stop these feelings it was to soon to fast i was still so hurt from so much past psycological trauma from parents and men i just didnt want it again . not only that i hadnt barely said 3 words in that hour so i thought forsure i just got pushed to be a one night stand . as i wrapped up my shift work and my shift ended i went back to my room to find well no one but RB sleeping in my bed :) how happy i was. i just had this feeling that this was going to turn out good that this could be "the one" but again it had only been a day so was i just being a possesive 17 year old . we continued to share this bond. a couple weeks after that there was an incodent with him and another kitchen employee ( of course .... the one i had the fling with ) it was a quick argument ending fast and was supposed to be over . but no of course it couldnt be that easy... 3 days after the altercation in the kitchen between these 2 men.. i had a knock at my door .. and there they were 6 people who pushed there way threw my door . the yelling and violence began. there was hitting and knifes and broken bottles .. stabbings .. oh the blood was everywhere.. there was 5 people stabbing rob while one held me at the door to watch.i got away when one of them was stabbed in the lungs the one holding me had to go to there aid. i ran out the door to the front lobby of the hotel yelling help call the ambulance .. and that mean women at the front wouldnt let me use the phone i had to run to the payphone to call 911 .. no one realized how bad this really was. police everywhere and paramedics assisting people to the busses. people in police cars everywhere .. everyone was being questioned. they didnt know who was dead or alive or who was going to die or live. it was awefull . but still no sign of rob. i was so scared for him i was in so much shock and then there he was. staggering his way up the hall to the lobby holding his side. he said to me baby my guts are hanging out i said youre going to be ok .. he lifted his shirt and moved his hand and his insides starting falling out of his side. the paramedics quickly took over and took him to the hospital where he remaind for 4 days on life support and another 12 in icu and 2 in regular care. they found 38 stab wounds and 10 lacerations (just skin cuts. not deep) i called bill to ask him to drive me to the hospital after the police were done questioning me and i told him rob had been stabbed i need to get to the royal hospital. he told me not to worry about it that he would be fine.. and not to worry about going to the hospital he would be back soon. i was so mad. i hung up and a police officer finally drove me to see him.. where he was just about to go in for exploritory surgery to see if any of the broken bottle was still in his side..i have pictures but will not post they are pretty aweful .. after his stay and recovery at the hospital we returned to the hotel to find all the 6 people had been fired and kicked out thankfully they were gone. we continued to work and go on with our lifes together and shortly planned a trip to see his daughter in vancouver . he told me about her she was 12 and he hadnt seen her for some time. so we took a trip and visited brooke .. all went awesome and i took to her like she was my own . even though we were only 6 years apart. rob was 31 at the time. wen we got back from our 2 week trip we found out i was pregnant . we were so excited we told everyone .. i should have known it was to good to be true. it was only 2 weeks after finding out that we were told durning an ultasound that our beautiful baby had no heartbeat :( i was a mess. i was shoked and hurt and just a wreck for some time..but agian i burried the pain and went on with my life.i burried the pain when bill told me not to dwell on it because its not a big deal....after about 5 months we got the news again i was pregnant for the second time. scared to death it would happen again to loose this baby that i wanted so bad. i went on with the pregnancy around 6 months rob and i moved into our first place together we moved into a basement suite in stony plain alberta. a few months later Angel Talia Blanchard arrived. so innocent and beautiful . i was so happy we were so happy it was the greatest moment in my life. we raised her there untill she was about 8 months old and then moved into a friends house and they moved to there other house. we lived there for some time .. i developed a father and mother and daughter bond with them. laurie was about 49 and lindsay about 55 it wasnt long before another traumatic thing had to stop me in my tracks again.. the man next to dave that appeard as a father figure passed away just before christmas of 2010. as 2011 approched bill kept asking to take angel for weekends and being how jesse still at the age of 25 lives with them i refused to allow that for i would not put my child in the same situation i was forced to live with for 10 years. after much begging from bill for a reason and finding out i was pregnant with our second daughter i finally grabbed the courage to tell him why.i told him that it was because of jesse. so we met up at a tim hortans coffee shop and i told him everything.. at first he told me he now understood why jesse is the way he is and that hes sorry and that everything will be ok and he is there for me .. it quickly turned into him telling me it was only childs play and i should burrie that hatchet.the meeting between him and i ended with that.. now let me ad on new years eve of 2008 bill and rob had gotten into an arguement and a physical fightnwich led us not talking to him for some time .. but we patched things up and went on after the meeting with bill i went home and explained to rob what we had talked about after a day or 2 we still heard nothing from bill so rob called him and said what are we going to do about this?. bill agreed to a lie detector at first and rob said ok . so rob said i will come out to your house and talk or we can meet somewhere .but for some reason bill wouldnt do it. he turned deffensive all of a sudden i was a lier a slut a whore a problem child so rob went out to his house to figure out what was with the change of heart and there was jesse and bonnie and bill saying everyhting possible bad about me i was a lier and a c**t and everything else. i was only ever around for the money he got from cctb. ect ect.. rob was a loser he can keep me cuz im nothing but a bitch and on and on it went .. rob could only take so much of hearing a father talk about his daughter this way and thats when it turned physical between them . fists were thrown windows broken and on it went that rob was arrested. i called bill and lost my mind on him . little did he know i was on speaker phone the whole time and heard everything he said. that was febuary of 2011 after that rob and i moved to an apt in stony plain and continued living our lives. brooke moved in with us the previous august of 2010 and everthing was going great. in may he txt me to say happy mothers day as well as happy birthday i told him he was a loser and that i didnt want anything to do with him.  i never heard much of him after that untill i recieved a txt saying I NEEDED to smarted up because his grandkids deserve to know him WELL NO WAY. by this point i was 4 months pregnant with our 2 child .i didnt hear from him again till angel's 2nd birthday where he texted my house phone saying happy birthday . and shortly after that i had my daughter mercedes jayde. were now at december of 2011 and living our lives. the kids are getting so big.